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Gravity of the situation

I have an ongoing adversarial relationship with gravity. I’m not talking about aging and the attendant humiliations, like the visitation from the Jowl Fairy, or any of the other droopy phenomena. No, it is more diabolical than those commonplace and expected changes. Those are just part of the price for living longer. I consider this a fair price. My issue comes with those little things that sneak up on me as I go about my business.I get it that things fall if you hold them out and let go. What I don’t get is why every time I put a pencil down on a table it immediately rolls off, lands on the floor, then continues rolling until it finds the most difficult place for recovery, usually involving me on my stomach groping under a piece of furniture, clawing for it like a manic cat. I must live in a perpetual Mystery Spot, that place that I thought only existed in the Catskills where water flows uphill. Now that’s something worth paying to see, kind of like the world’s biggest pig at the fair. I throw my wet bath towel over the bar, turn my back and whump! There it is, on the floor. I dump those little potatoes on the counter and watch in disbelief as they cascade over the edge. I have learned the hard way not to set eggs anywhere except in a pan.How about when I am up on a ladder trying to install the new blinds and I have exactly the right number of screws in my hand? It doesn’t matter where I put them; my pocket, a small dish or on the window ledge. The more important it is to not drop a screw, the greater the likelihood that I will. Sometimes I get lulled, installing window after window with no problem until I get to the last one. That is when gravity teams up with the incredible invisible screw to drop and vanish, leaving me to either substitute a nail (which will be noticed and I will be in big trouble) or spend the rest of the day on my hands and knees scanning the surface of the floor with a powerful flashlight.OK, these are basically just annoyances. What about when it makes an attempt on your life? Not so innocent now, is it? These days I descend stairs with a rope clipped to my belt and the banister.I will have the last laugh. Mag-lev devices, like they are using to levitate trains, are here. My system came in the mail recently, but I had to send it back because it was damaged. I dropped it. Bill Abrams continues his quest to master the laws of gravity while living in Pine Plains.

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