Hey fellas, come down from Mars

I am lucky to get the “inside scoop†from my female clients about what they are really looking for from their man, and surprisingly, it is rarely about expensive gifts or fancy vacations.

Sometimes in a relationship, people start to take their partners for granted. Building some awareness about what is meaningful to your partner and remembering to take action on it will go a long way to creating a healthy relationship.

Keep your great advice to yourself

A female client had several stressful challenges and she told me that when she talked to her husband about these issues, “All he does is try to give me advice.â€

I explained to her that this is what guys do, they give advice. Men, by nature, are problem solvers and they tend to respond to what they perceive as a complaint by trying to fix it with advice — rather than by just listening.

When I asked her what she most wanted from her husband during these times, she said, “I just want him to listen to me, to express some sympathy for what I am going through, maybe give me a hug. I don’t necessarily want any advice. In fact, most of the time I’ve already thought about it and know what I need to do to solve it.† 

Guys, your intentions are good when you want to offer advice, but that’s not what women are looking for. In fact, they may even see this as you trying to make it all about you and your heroic intervention.

Women use talking about their problems as a way to connect and feel close during a difficult time.

So you can best help by giving her your full attention and saying (genuinely) things like, “Gee, that must be hard,†or “I’m sorry you are going through that.â€

Of course there may be times she does want your advice — and you might find that after listening for a while she may be more open to receiving it.

But ask first. Say, “Is this a situation where you want my advice?† If she says “no,†accept it and move on, knowing that you have already given her what she wanted in the first place.

Thoughtful gestures on a regular basis

Another of my female clients felt unappreciated by her husband. Even though he was the breadwinner, she was taking care of the kids, making all the meals, and doing the shopping and the laundry, as well as running a small community organization. She did not feel that her husband appreciated the amount of work she was doing to keep things going.  

What has surprised me about what I’ve learned from female clients such as this one is that appreciation for big things can come in very small gestures. It really is the thought that counts. As this client said, “I want to know he is thinking about me.  He doesn’t need to bring home a big bouquet of flowers. If he came back with a blade of grass that would be enough — as long as it came with a genuine expression of gratitude.â€

In fact, sometimes the big bouquet can look like a guy is trying to dig himself out of a hole of going for months with no gestures of appreciation. And then it feels like the booby prize.

My advice for the guys: Do small things for the woman in your life on a regular basis to show her how much you appreciate her.

Compliment when you see an opportunity

Another female client told me how much it bothered her that her husband never told her how great she looked when she got ready for a special night out. She wished he would notice her and say something sweet or romantic, the way he did when they began dating.  

Guys, this is an easy one. Women love compliments. They make them feel good about themselves and show that you love them and care enough to notice the details.

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who helps individuals make lasting changes in their career, health and relationships. For more information and previous columns visit theloeningplan.com. Columns can also be found at tcextra.com.