No No to the No-No

In all the rest of the world, a “No-No” is a very serious negative. It’s what the frightened mother yells to her toddler who thinks that hanging out with the stove, literally, is a really good idea.

It’s what the exasperated owner of a cute little puppy yells when the little monster drops a calling card smack in the middle of a newly waxed kitchen floor.

Yes sir, a no-no is a bad-bad in every venue but one, and you know what I am referring to — baseball, that sport that can turn things upside down faster than a hitter’s April batting average. In baseball, a no-no (a no-hitter) is a yes-yes unless someone says, “No, no,” to the no-no, and I think I just got a little dizzy myself from that one.

So, let’s start with Madison Bumgarner’s no-hitter that wasn’t. Why wasn’t it? “Because it was a seven inning game,” is what the league office said. Is it considered a legal game? “Yep.” Will Bumgarner’s team, the Arizona Diamondbacks, put it in the record books under “Wins?” “Yep” again. Can Bumgarner put it in his record book as a complete game? Well, maybe with an asterisk. Can he call it a no-hitter? Not on your Nelly.

If you can follow that logic, major league baseball might have a job for you in the public relations office. Me? I just chalk it up to another one of those impossible to understand things that I will never master, something like quantum mechanics or Washington politics.

The next odd one is John Means’ perfect game that wasn’t. Means allowed only one base runner, and that on a wild pitch. The batter swung at strike three but made it to first base before the catcher could corral the ball. From what I understand, this is the first time ever, in all the recorded history of major league baseball, that a perfect game has been ruined by a wild pitch.

Now if you have never heard of John Means, you should know that he is considered the ace of the Baltimore Orioles staff. That’s sort of like being the tallest of Snow White’s dwarfs. Baltimore has been so terrible for so long that even the vaunted Maryland Blue Crab is threatening to take their business elsewhere. No, I’m not going to say anything about the fans being crabby as well; that would be a cheap shot.

Means still got his no-hitter, but perfection still seems to escape the Baltimore nine. Remember, at one time they were the St. Louis Browns, widely considered to be the worst franchise in baseball history.

So the next time your toddler or puppy does a no-no, remember, it could be worse, you could be yelling, “No! No!” from the Baltimore bleachers.

 

Millerton resident Theodore Kneeland is a retired teacher and coach — and athlete.

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