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Love and romance, swiping left or right
Apr 17, 2024
Johnny Lee recorded “Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places” for “Urban Cowboy” and that seems like the perfect metaphor for dating at this stage of life.
When most of us first entered the dating world several decades ago, we met each other at parties, college, where we lived, the gym, bars, or while shopping. I met my first husband at a small menswear store on the Upper West Side, although for the life of me I have no idea what I was doing there, and I recall one fellow I met in line waiting to vote — he worked for the FBI and I remember every time he came into my apartment he took off his gun and my biggest fear was that the cat would somehow get to it !
I met my late husband at the gym — that was really the ideal place to meet although I joined it simply because it was nearest to my office — it was in the World Trade Center, where all of us Wall Street crazies arrived when it opened at 6 a.m. We found ourselves on adjoining treadmills (along with then Mayor Ed Koch), progressed to running across the Brooklyn Bridge together, and what ultimately ensued was a glorious 37 years! Not surprisingly, that pushed many of my girlfriends to join a gym; as a bonus, I also met some women who have become my dearest friends over the years.
Dating was easy, frequent, often casual, challenging, and sometimes led to heartbreak, but for most of us, it was part of the process of finding a spouse, of meeting THE person we thought we could spend the rest of our life with. We had very definite rules and tended to judge each other critically — would our friends like the person, would our parents, did we agree on everything, were we similar in every way imaginable, and could we finally STOP dating and get married.
Fast forward to 2020 after my husband’s passing and I realized I could have a wonderful life flying solo, but I wanted to try dating again. I was still living in the City, and anticipated meeting someone “organically” at dinner parties or at the gym (again), at benefits or at the bookstore, through business or volunteering. I assumed it would be as simple as it had been 40 years before, but I was SO wrong. For starters, I didn’t have the energy to go out all the time, let alone “flirt” as I used to, and I wasn’t even sure what that would look like at this stage of life. A friend once complained to me that men no longer looked at her on the street, and I pointed out that men still looked at me, but they were just much older than I remembered!
There was always the possibility of being “fixed up,” but in a world where single older women far outnumber single older men, the likelihood of that declined with each passing year. A friend mentioned a man she knew in Boston who was recently widowed and she felt confident we would really hit it off. He suggested we Face Time, and when we did I thought he was delightful — attractive, intelligent, charming — he told me after about a half hour that we weren’t suitable for each other and ended the call rather abruptly. I was stunned, and deeply offended, but it was a fast preview of what dating life could become. I no longer had the energy to look my best every day, to sign up for classes where I might meet someone, to be the extra person at a dinner party of married couples, to travel alone, and to check on whether or not a man was wearing a wedding ring (which I realize that many of us who are widowed, often still do for some period of time after our spouse passes away).
I needed a new way to meet men, and in upcoming columns will discuss online dating — the ugly, the bad, the good and sometimes you just hit the jackpot!
Please reach out to Gwen with your thoughts or questions at GwenG@millertonnews.com
Gwen lives in Pine Plains with her partner Dennis, her puppy Charlie, and two Angus cows (who are also retired!).
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Letters to the Editor - 4-18-24
Apr 17, 2024
Left out of Richard Haass’s Forum talk
I recently attended the Salisbury Forum’s lecture to hear Richard Haass on his new book “The Bill of Obligations: The Ten Habits of Good Citizens.” While I agree with his 10 obligations, believe our country would be a better place if more of us adopted these habits, I was dismayed by his failure to follow his own advice. Mr. Haass, a career State Department employee, spent the first half of his talk on the state of the world and U.S.’s role in it. He mentioned climate change, foreign policy, the upcoming presidential election, a possible Trump second administration, the Ukraine War, Taiwan and the situation in Gaza. He had an attentive audience and confidently gave his opinions on what sounded like a State Department briefing.
Mr. Haass said U.S. dominance on the world stage has led to peace and kept us free from another world war. While it’s true we have not seen another global conflagration, given events in Ukraine and Gaza and resulting world tensions we are closer to the precipice of a nuclear war today than we have been for many years.
What I found distressing were Mr. Haass’s comments about the ongoing Israel war in Gaza. First, he began by focusing on the events of Oct 7. which he accurately described as horrible. However, Oct. 7 was not the beginning of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. That conflict has spanned several decades but Mr. Haass, a State Department veteran, made no mention of the historical context. He omitted reference to the 1948 Nakba or catastrophe that dispossessed 750,000 Palestinians from their homes and killed 15,000, the 1967 war that led to the occupation of Gaza and the West Bank, the five military assaults since 2014 on occupied and blockaded Gaza, and since Oct. 7, a bombing campaign in which 100,000 civilians, a majority of whom are women and children, have been killed and maimed with life altering wounds. Nor did he mention the siege that is literally starving 2.2 million people of food, water, fuel, healthcare and clothing.
He did not refer to the International Court of Justice declaration that Israel has been plausibly engaged in genocide and ethnic cleansing over the last six months in Gaza.
And he made no mention that through all of this the United States has continued to provide the bombs and artillery shells dropped daily by Israel on the civilian population under the pretext of hunting for Hamas leadership.
These inconvenient truths were left out of Mr. Haass’s analysis of world events and his view of U.S. foreign policy. These relevant and material facts, if presented, would have informed his audience more fully of the historical context of the events taking place in Gaza, a historical context we hear so little about in the mainstream commercial media but which affects how we see and understand world events.
Leaving aside for the moment the valuable contribution his book makes to public discourse, Mr. Haass left his audience without the facts needed to achieve his number one goal, an informed citizenship.
Leonard Polletta
Lakeville
Supporting Hayes’ Caring for Survivors Act
In response to an April 11 letter, a “genuinely nice man” does not a great representative make! What we don’t need is another empty suit lobbyist. And when his choice for President “takes the 5th” in his upcoming trial, our Representative Jahana Hayes will be taking the 5th District’s concerns to DC.
On April 10, she did what she has been doing for the last four years: walking the walk — over to the House Committee on Veterans’ Affairs on behalf of her proposed Caring for Survivors Act. She testified persuasively that not only should veterans get adequate benefits but that their survivors must be properly compensated for providing care. When a service member dies in action or becomes a veteran, their survivor receives a monthly check called DIC (Dependency and Indemnity Compensation). But since 1993, those family members have had to make do with less than they deserve.
As Hayes testified, her bill raises surviving spouse benefits from 43% to 55% of the compensation given to a totally disabled veteran, bringing it to a level consistent with other federal survivor programs.
“This would ensure that surviving spouses get the benefits their loved ones have earned,” said Hayes.
That additional $400 a month will be a big boost for those family members! Representative Jahana Hayes has been a longtime supporter of vets and their families. Hers is the only New England district office to be designated a Purple Heart Office of Distinction, and The Veterans for Foreign Wars is one of seven organizations supporting her legislation. Let’s follow them on that Purple Heart Trail. It is sure to lead to the best place in our hearts! Urge the U.S. House to pass Hayes’ Caring for Survivors Act.
Molly S. Fitzmaurice
Sharon
2024 brings the 73rd National Day of Prayer on May 2
The National Day of Prayer belongs to all Americans. Every year local, state and federal observances are held from sunrise in Maine to sunset in Hawaii bringing together citizens from all backgrounds to pray for our nation.
It is a vital part of our heritage since the first call to prayer in 1775 when the Continental Congress asked the colonies to pray for Almighty God’s wisdom in forming a nation.
This call to pray has continued throughout our history including President Lincoln’s proclamation in 1863 and President Truman’s signing of a joint resolution by Congress in 1952 declaring an annual National Day of Prayer.
Each year every president signs a proclamation encouraging all Americans to pray on this specially designated First Thursday in May.
Thank you, community members, for your past faithful observance.
Please join us once again as we gather on Thursday, May 2 at the Salisbury Town Hall Memorials at 6:00pm. If it rains: Salisbury Congregational Church.
Mary T. Davis
Lakeville
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