How Scary Can Boring Be?

Bill Condon’s “Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I” is the flick that answers the question, “Can a human girl get knocked up by a vampire if he has cool hair?” What? You didn’t ask that question? Neither did I, but the answer is “yes.” I saw this film unencumbered by any truck with the “Twilight” phenomenon, and the first thing I would like to point out is that the only thing duller than a wedding is wedding preparation. The next item on my agenda is this: If the main characters of a film are vampires and werewolves, there should be a lot of screen time devoted to fang work.And somebody told me this was supposed to be a sexy picture. Maybe — if your idea of eroticism involves vampires who look like they should be waiting in line at the methadone clinic, and werewolves who spend most of their time standing around in tight T-shirts, glaring at each other. Edward (Robert Pattinson) is the vampire who marries Bella (Kristen Stewart), which upsets the werewolf, Jacob (Taylor Lautner). The film had a chance for a moment: I thought Jake would barge in on the wedding, much as Scotty Baldwin did at Luke and Laura’s wedding on “General Hospital” in November 1981. (Of course, Scotty wasn’t a werewolf, but you can’t tell me Luke wasn’t a sort of vampire.) So Edward and Bella go on their honeymoon. I got a little lost here, but I think the idea was that he’d turn her into a vampire afterward. But everything goes askew because Bella gets pregnant. Ol’ Edward didn’t think it could happen, and it makes him scrinch up his eyes and look even more soulful. It’s a mighty fast pregnancy, too, and gets everybody so riled up that they strike poses and glare at each other some more — occasionally looking into the distance in a thoughtful manner to add some variety. This drones on for what seems like an eternity, until a) the baby is born and b) the werewolves attack. There’s a surprise, sort of, but I won’t spoil it for you — because if I endured this wretched movie then you have to as well. We’re talking zero significant nudity, here. Yuppie vampires. The world’s longest wedding. Making arrangements for the world’s longest wedding. Vampire dancing. Snarling werewolves. Gratuitous street scenes of happy dancing in the Third World. Vampire (and amateur) obstetrics. A childbirth scene that could have rivaled “Rosemary’s Baby” — but doesn’t. And this is the first time I’ve seen someone drink blood through a straw since the notorious “elective surgery” scene in “Bloodsucking Freaks” — a cult flick so sublimely bad that aficionados dare only whisper its name. “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” will never achieve such status. Unrelentingly tedious, it resists even the “Mystery Science Theater” approach to watching movies. It’s hard to make fun of something so thoroughly dull. “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” is rated PG-13 for disturbing images, violence and sexuality. It is playing at The Moviehouse in Millerton, NY, and elsewhere.

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