Once Was Enough, Trust Me

There’s a semi-funny gag near the beginning of Jason Winer’s remake of “Arthur.” There’s a fundraiser, see? At the Museum of Modern Art. The event is called “Modernism Against Poverty.” Ha ha. Well, maybe you had to be there, and that would involve paying money to see this film. Never mind. Somewhere, somebody thought it would be clever to team up Russell Brand and Helen Mirren, and put them in a remake, but “Batman and Robin” was already taken, as was “Oedipus the King” and “Night of the Living Dead.” Brand plays gazillionaire playboy Arthur Bach, who has no interests outside of debauchery on a grand scale. Mirren plays his nanny, Hobson. Jennifer Garner is Susan, the ambitious social climber who is slated to marry Arthur, and Geraldine James plays Arthur’s nasty mother Vivienne. Arthur must marry Susan or he’s cut off from the family loot, but instead he falls in love with Naomi from Queens (Greta Gerwig). Hilarity ensues, or at least it did in the mind of screenwriter Peter Baynham. The gags are forced — crude and vulgar and not funny in the least. Film people will tell you that dialogue is an overrated part of a movie, but dialogue that’s supposed to be side-splitting and instead makes the viewer embarrassed to be in the same phylum as the screenwriter kills a picture pretty quick. When “Arthur” isn’t inane, it’s maudlin. We’re talking testicle jokes. Booze galore, including a gratuitous and, frankly, insulting visit to an AA meeting. Brand in his underwear — a lot. Brand baring his teeth in what is supposed to be a grin. He looks like what you’d get if you crossed the genes of the late Abbie Hoffman and a horse.Also — actual working Batmobile as recurring leit-motif. Lesbian jokes. Fat kid jokes. An appalling oil painting of Arthur and a woman on all fours — shown several times, in case somebody didn’t get it. Sexually transmitted disease jokes. Ethnic jokes. In 110 minutes of screen time the audience laughed in unison twice, and only two hours later, I can’t remember why. Mirren gamely plods through her lines and the scene between her and Naomi is the only part of the film worth watching. Small roles by John Hodgman and Nick Nolte are competently handled, and allow the viewer to be distracted momentarily from the general awfulness. The original “Arthur” was no work of genius but it was amusing and vaguely memorable. In a just and sane world, this version would put the kibosh once and for all on remakes.

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