Staying in or getting out of a long-term relationship

Julie had a big question, one that had been weighing on her for years: Should she stay in her long-term relationship?

There were problems that didn’t seem to be getting better; but they had been together for 11 years, so the thought of splitting up felt overwhelming.

There are many ways to approach this kind of problem, but I used a straightforward method to get a snapshot of the health of Julie’s relationship.

First, I asked her, “On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being perfect and one being horrible, how would you grade your relationship overall right now?â€

She started to go into an explanation of why the relationship was worthwhile.

This is a common diversion tactic; often, my clients totally avoid giving a number because they want to justify their situation rather than face their reality.

I stopped her. “We don’t need an explanation, just one number from one to 10.â€

After a moment of silence she stated, “Three.â€

Having heard some of her explanations, I would have guessed a six or seven, but asking for that one number really cut to the truth.

I asked, “What is the minimum grade you would need to be willing to stay in this relationship?â€

“At least a seven, probably an eight.â€

“What would it have to be one year from today for you to want to continue?â€

She replied, “If it were a six a year from now, that would be huge progress.â€

I then asked her to grade specific aspects of her relationship, such as mutual supportiveness, communication, housekeeping, intimacy, money, vacations, etc. The areas that were most important to her also got the lowest scores:

Communication: They did not talk about “anything important.†(1)

Mutual support: She did not feel he supported her business goals. (3)

Housekeeping: She was resentful about doing most of the work. (4)

She agreed to spend the next year working on all these things, using the coaching for support. She also said she would talk to her partner about the fact that the relationship was not working for her, and to tell him what changes needed to be made in order for her to be happy.

Julie made a plan to reevaluate in one year. This way her focus was on working on the relationship for that year, and not worrying day after day about whether or not to stay in it.

If the scores improved at least to a “six†by that time, she would be satisfied things were moving in the right direction. If not, she said, for the first time ever she could see the possibility that she might need to end the relationship.

I asked her what she thought the chances were of meeting these goals. She said that she was ready to get to work, but she admitted some serious doubts about her partner’s willingness to make changes.

She said that the exercise had been a huge reality check, and she could now see more clearly what had to be done to make her happy.

She felt for the first time she had a clear plan, accountability for action and some deadlines, instead of just continuing with the status quo year after year.

After one year, the relationship had improved — but by much less than she’d hoped. She reset the goals, willing to keep trying.

After another six months, she realized that she would never reach her minimum requirements and chose to end the relationship.

She was grateful to have clarity about what was acceptable and what was not.

The process was hard, but there was an upside: By closing one door she allowed another door to open. Two years later, she found a new partner with whom she was much better matched.

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships.

To make column suggestions, e-mail him at bloening@snet.net.

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