The case of the invisible actor

While standing in line to see a movie at a theater in Millerton, N.Y., I received a P.R. (public relations) speech from the trendy 30-something couple in line in front of me. They were explaining their greatness, genius and (of course) upscale wealth ... ouch. They were investing in real estate. “We’ve got seven properties,� they boasted. It was that wide, wide world of “house flipping,� a new Olympic sport in America. Of course they rattled off the names of celebrities, actors that were their neighbors. “We live near Kevin Bacon,� they said.

Up here in northwest Connecticut I’ve heard that so many times that I wondered about the area around that actor’s house. Since we’re pretty sparsely populated I wondered about the hundred or more folks I’ve met that claimed to live near him. Sounds like a housing development that I’m unaware of has been erected near him (he’s among my favorite actors, I should say) and even my daughter in Manhattan attending school on the Upper West Side has said “Pop, [that’s me] Kevin Bacon lives near my school.�

A recent article in Boston Magazine about the town of Sharon said that residents were likely to meet Mr. Bacon in the post office, where I go from time to time to check out the latest hair style of the personnel. The local drug store guy spoke of having met the actor but, alas, I ain’t never seen him, not in Connecticut or New York. I’ve relegated his existence to the UFO sighting category. As far as I’m concerned I will not acknowledge the presence of Kevin Bacon until the military or government experts provide me with substantial proof of his existence. (Note: I’m still up in the air about Santa and the Easter Bunny.) Until that time of “Bacon proof� I will continue to pay cash money to view his screen presence and, in reference to his lovely wife, continue to refer to that couple as “Bacon and Legs.�

On the Upper West Side of Manhattan, the area where Humphrey Bogart was born and raised, one can boast the presence of an enormous number of theater people, probably because of “location, location, location.� Broadway’s theater district’s on the West Side and going back to the pre-chic days it was the land of huge cheap apartments. Hey, once upon a time, actors were broke!?

Fact is, pre-Trump New York’s Upper West Side was dangerous crime territory. When you returned to your inexpensive spacious apartment you bolted the door. Actors were all over the place because Manhattan was not a desirable place to live.

Of course I’m referring to the days before the glitzy red carpets and television’s residual cash payments. Fact is, if I went out for beer and burgers with actors, I recall my picking up more than one check. The area behind the now-fashionable Museum of Natural History provided benches for the “Needle Park Crowd;� it was worth your life to be on Columbus Avenue and 79th Street after dark.

Mayor John Lindsay’s New York boasted halfway drug treatment centers, Methadone clinics and (my personal favorite) the “S.R.O.,� single-room occupancy hotels, all nightmares that brought addicts into Upper West Manhattan. In fact, I was once in the presence of a Lindsay aide, a pompous schmuck who boasted of his deliberately placing “treatment centers� there while laughing joyously about the fact that he lived elsewhere.

In those days “working actorâ€� were two words hardly ever joined in the same sentence, and living next door to an actor was nothing to brag about; it meant you were residing in a low rent district. But lo and behold, or behold and lo, times have changed and in a world that pays Charlie Sheen a million-and-a-half bucks per episode to portray a womanizing drunk (that’s a real stretch for Charlie,) living near actors has an upscale image.  

That couple of “house flippers� on the movie line were on their way to great fortune in the world of selling their real estate and they lived near a movie star. Oh well, they’d boasted of two successes and one of them worked out; without the real estate score they’ve still got Bacon and Legs.

Bill Lee, who draws cartoons for this newspaper and other publications of note, lives in Sharon and New York City.

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