Signs are everywhere

Signs, signs, everywhere signs. The old ’60s song had it right. Our brains are under constant attack. Entrance, Exit, Do Not Enter, Do Not Exit, No Parking, Keep Off The Grass, Long-haired Hippie People Need Not Apply, and one of my favorites, “Welcome to Connecticut/New York, Rell /Paterson Governor.� (Which is important why?) Every time we change governors we must immediately have new signs at all border crossings, in case visitors did not know the governor’s name.

New York also instituted another sign program several years ago in which it installed a little green sign on all state highways marking every tenth of a mile. Now, instead of calling AAA with a location like “near where Skunk’s Misery Road crosses 199,� you get to say “between mileposts 12.7 and 12.8.� Triple A immediately will ask you what the nearest cross road is. Who got that contract?

I had dealings with highway departments on a job I held briefly some years ago and I have a rough idea what each of those little signs cost in materials and fabrication time, plus the man hours for installation. The total cost of that program is staggering. Remember when we tried to go metric? Where are all those signs now? Oh well. It’s not like it was real money — just tax dollars.

I instituted my own sign program. It is important for visitors to be cognizant of the cur, that is, to be aware of the dog. My front door has a curtain that can be seen from the outside. Borrowing freely from “The Wizard of Oz,� I have installed the following sign, “Pay No Attention to that Man Behind the Curtain, But Beware of Dog.� I am not much troubled with drop-in company or canvassing candidates, so I guess signs work.

Knowing that signs work, like everything else, once we find a thing that works, we overdo it. The latest is due to elections. I am taking notes this year as to who fails to remove their signs after the elections. “I have a little list. They never will be missed.� (Gilbert & Sullivan.)

These signs are based on the theory that the general public does not have a clue as to who is who when they step into the voting booth. They figure that as we stare blankly at all those names, we suddenly remember that we have seen some of them somewhere and so, in a mild state of suggestivity (I made up this word), we are drawn to their levers.

Whup! Time for my interview. Just let me tuck my hair up under my hat and I will be good to go.

Bill Abrams signs off this week from Pine Plains.

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