My twisted experience

It’s a plot to drive me crazy. Anything with a nice, long cord for convenient mobility will automatically be snarled tighter than a piston spring when I go to use it.

What are they doing? Whoever used the hair drier last was obviously doing pirouettes in an effort to accelerate the process. Unless I am willing to stand about 12 inches from the outlet, I will have to dangle the device by its cord and allow it to untwist before I can use it. It’s annoying.

The telephone I get. I have seen people spinning in place like whirling dervishes while on a call. Sometimes they are twirling the cord around their arm as they speak. I wouldn’t mind so much if they didn’t walk away leaving the cord looking like rotini. There are twists on the twists. It resembles those cutaway diagrams in the doctor’s office of the small intestines.

The garden hose springs to life at night, coiling and recoiling in a defensive posture that will defy my best efforts. When all else fails, it will kink, causing me to peer stupidly into the nozzle as it unkinks from the buildup of pressure. This was all part of the plan.

The vacuum cleaner cord, aside from trying to ensnare me and drag me to my doom at the foot of the stairs, has a real talent for snagging things. There I am, happily vacuuming my way through the dining room, when I am brought up short. There behind me is the cord that started out free and clear, only now it has looped under the claw foot of the table, stuck fast. Cursing softly, I retrace my steps and yank it clear. I have now lost my happy.

Extension cords, clothes line rope, the dog’s 15-foot training leash, it is all part of the conspiracy. Is it the cord or the foot? Or could it be the paranormal!

I ran for my EMF detector, recently purchased on the Ghost Hunter website. It is the most important of the ghost hunter’s tools. With one of these and an active imagination, you are equipped for basic spirit detection. Are there any cold spots in the room? OK, besides by the refrigerator (I need to tighten up that leaky door).

“If there are any ghosts here today I would like to talk to you. Just give me a sign. Knock on the wall or something. If you will come over here, it will make the lights on this thingy go nuts, thus providing, positively, that the bulbs light up. Something? Anything? Come on, guys! Let’s try to focus here.�

You’d think they would at least untangle the hair drier.

Bill Abrams tries to live a straight life, no ghosts included, in Pine Plains.

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