Why I hate the Boston Red Sox


My allegiance to the New York Yankees has been questioned recently, which tells me two things: A) at least some people are reading my column, and B) they’re not reading it correctly.

Let’s get things straight. I love the Yankees. I sleep in Yankees pajamas that are two sizes too small. I have a man crush on Derek Jeter. And when I finally get around to procreating (which really should be more of an "if," considering my first two admissions), I’m taking my children to see Mickey. No, not the mouse — Mantle, who is interred at a cemetery in Dallas. I can imagine the conversation now.

"Dad, this is boring. I thought you said we were going to Disneyland."

"Shhh. Daddy is reflecting."

"What? Are you crying? Why are you wearing my Yankees pajamas?"

I might be critical of the Yankees but it’s only because I hold them to a higher standard. It’s like when your kid makes the honor roll every semester and then, all of the sudden, you find out he or she is failing out of school.

New York has been associating with baseball’s bad crowd too much recently — hanging out in the basement (of the AL East, that is) with the likes of Tampa Bay and Baltimore and doing a lot of E (errors, that is). Get to your room, mister, and don’t come out until you’re above .500.

Please, people, I don’t hate the Yankees.

The only two teams I hate in baseball are the Boston Red Sox and anybody who fails to defeat the Boston Red Sox.

So, to appease New York fans, and anger Boston fans, I have prepared a list of reasons why I really hate the Red Sox.


I hate the Red Sox because...


• Boston fans and their stupid catch phrases. "Reverse the curse." "Cowboy up" (I still don’t understand what that one means). "What would Johnny Damon do?" I’ll tell you what Johnny Damon did. He got out of Boston as soon as he could because in New York we keep our chants simple. One of my favorites: "Hey you. Yeah, you. You suck!"

• Your team name. The Red Sox. That really strikes fear into my heart: a bunch of smelly, sweaty undergarments that can’t spell. And I know what you’re going to say, "Yankees is a pretty lame name, too." Well, a Yankee is about the most patriotic thing you can be. When you say "I don’t like the Yankees," its like saying "I don’t like apple pie" or "I don’t like the American Revolution." In my opinion, if you’re not pro-Torre (Joe, the Yankees manager) then you’re pro-Tory (the Revolutionary group opposed to war with Britain).

• The 2004 American League Championship Series. If it weren’t for that series (and the Yankees’ infamous meltdown) Boston fans would have absolutely nothing to brag about. I never had a problem with the Red Sox because they were like the kid at recess who tries really hard but always screws up somehow. I couldn’t help but feel bad because, well, that kid was me. Now all I hear is gloating. You’ve won one stinking World Series since 1918. The Yankees have 25 more than you over that period. Heck, even the Florida Marlins have two, and they have a payroll approximately the size of my saving account (I’ll save you the hassle of guessing and tell you that’s not a good thing).

• Your excuses. You guys come up with all sorts of scapegoats when your team loses. The greatest of them all is Bill Buckner, who let a ground ball trickle past his glove during game six of the 1986 World Series, thereby losing it for the Sox. What people seem to forget is that Boston had already blown a two-run lead when Buckner blundered that play at first base. And they still had a chance to win in game seven but decided to choke then, too.

What might have been an even worse excuse was the infamous curse. All those years you guys complained about a curse that evidently didn’t even exist. I guess your team wasn’t blighted for 86 years, it just stunk.

Your curse wasn’t even the best one in baseball. The Chicago Cubs take that award. Not only does their curse involve a disgruntled billy goat owner, but the Cubbies haven’t even been to a World Series since 1945 (let alone won one since 1908).

Okay, so I might be letting off a little steam. I might even be a bit jealous that your team is 9.5 games ahead of my beloved Yankees. But watch your back because we’ve been on a tear lately. And if I know anything about the Boston Red Sox it’s that you guys have a penchant for choking. Just ask Bill Buckner.

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