Open at arrow

They lie. It won’t open at the arrow, or anywhere else for that matter; not without an edged weapon or a blowtorch.

“Easy Open Package� is right up there with “The check is in the mail.� Cellophane packages are only slightly weaker than titanium containers and they will not open at that little cut on the edge of the bag no matter how hard you bite them. Oh, you might get a small piece of the edge of the package to break away, but you will not gain access to the contents.

Sometimes you get a package with one side rigid plastic and a sort of a cellophane top with a little corner that says “Peel Here.� If you can grip that little tab, you might get it to rip off just enough so you can see the tasty treat, but you are going to have to work to get the rest of it off.

In the process you will either dump the contents on the floor or contaminate them with whatever extemporaneous opening tool you have managed to come up with on short notice. The most common is the Swiss Army knife that has been used for everything from digging up worms to minor surgery on the dog beforehand.

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Cardboard box makers seem to be enamored of the “zip strip.â€�  This is a strip on the end of the box with a little tab that, it says, will allow you to lift the strip of cardboard, exposing the unglued part of the flaps that can be easily re-closed by virtue of the tab and slot system.

Here’s the flaw: the bottom of the “zip strip� is glued to the flaps. When you lift the strip you de-laminate the layers of cardboard, leaving a layer of glued paper that must now be picked away with your Swiss Army knife. If the cardboard is really well laminated, you will get the strip plus the flaps to detach, leaving you with no way to re-close the contents.

Now you are forced to repack the contents in a plastic “self-sealing� bag, which will seem to lock closed, then will sort of sag open, mocking your puny efforts. It will take you several tries to seal and you will never be sure how you finally managed it, so the next time will be just as anxiety ridden as the first time was.

In a somewhat related frustration, who can tell me what the strongest part of a roll of paper towels is? Think about it for a minute. It is, of course, the holes. A paper towel roll will tear everywhere but at the perforations. It’s how the paper companies got even for all that pesky environmental regulation.

Bill Abrams resides (and attempts to open packages) in Pine Plains.