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Time to stop the madness

I just checked my column folder and was stunned to find that I have actually had a little over 275 columns published over a five-year period. I actually have done more than that, but people with better sense and taste than I have occasionally sent one back to me as being “questionable.” This means that my humorous reference to cannibalism, bizarre take on some holidays, criticisms of the power structure and columns in which I was seeking revenge against real and/or imagined slights by people who shall remain nameless or this column will get bounced, too, were sent back for a rework (rejected).

And so it is at this time that I join the already growing chorus of “Enough already!” It is time for me to lay down my pen, figuratively speaking, and listen to what other people have to say. It’s kind of hard to hear others when you are busy talking.

I would like to thank my supporters, both of them, who encouraged me to keep going. Why they turned away sniggering at the same time is somewhat puzzling, but then again I was trying for humor most of the time so I guess that’s all right. I would also like to thank the publishers for not letting people know exactly where I live. Large crowds with torches are not desirable in our quiet little neighborhood. Of course there was the time they threw me a party. I still have traces of tar in my hair. I have placed the rail in an honored place in my collection of memorabilia, right beside the effigy with a noose and that pile of threatening letters. Those rascals!

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Now the question is, what will I do with all that extra time? Shall I cut the lawn on a regular basis? This would run contrary to my belief in the “Forever Wild” movement. Maybe I could do some of those repairs around the house; just the ones not involving electricity or running water. If you have been reading my columns you will know why not. I could run for public office. Oh, wait, there’s that skeletons- in-the-closet thing.

Maybe I can finally write that book. Anybody who does any writing always thinks they can create the next bestseller. I could do a “Best Of The Country Curmudgeon Collection” if I could figure out how to stretch two columns. Or I could write a fantasy story. The best part about writing fantasy is that you only do as much research as you want, then just make up the rest, kind of like my columns.

What to do? What to do? Oh, wait, I see they are doing a Beach Blanket Movie Marathon today. Oooh, but what about planning my future?

“If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow!” (See? Research!)

Bill Abrams has written his 275-plus columns from Pine Plains. It is with great appreciation that The Millerton News wishes Bill all the best as he decides exactly what to do with his newfound free time.