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The Country Curmudgeon

Hairum scarum

I finally found a place that cuts my hair without making me look like I am 10 years old. I admit that I am a bit of a challenge. Unlike movie stars and our legislators, I cannot afford a weekly cut. I don’t believe your hair even grows enough to cut in a week. I think the stylist just snaps scissors over their heads for a few minutes then hits them with a warm towel and says, “That will be $65, please.”

So just buzz off

It snowed the other day and this time it stuck. It was also of a depth sufficient for that endangered species, the snowmobiler. Once abundant in this region, the last 40 years has seen a gradual decline in their numbers. A couple of them roared through my yard one morning, interrupting a nice, lazy sleep-in. Oddly, you cannot protect your domain by stringing wire. Some kind of picky law about mantraps.

Some of Nature’s clowns

Behold the squirrel, our little wild friend. Happily he hops about the yard, running hither and yon, depositing his little treasures in ever so many places. He forgets where he puts many of them, and this is how we get those little trees everywhere.

New Year’s resolutions

Well here we go again, another year and another resolution. Recently my doctor admonished me for not exercising. After giving the matter careful thought I realized that the reason I do not exercise is that the exercises have no relation to real world needs. When was the last time you needed to run five miles? Granted, if we still had to be able to outrun Indians, like Henry Fonda in the movie “Drums Along The Mohawk,” I could see the benefit.

Teaching reindeer to fly

In the beginning, the reindeer used to run along the ground, just like you would expect. This was very slow and tended to wear out reindeer. Santa was annoyed. Just when he had a good team that pulled together, one or more of them was always coming up lame. Getting a live deer on and off a roof in Terre Haute is no joke.

One day it occurred to Santa that science had more uses than just filling up Christmas lists with chemistry set requests. He set out to make practical use of the genetic mutation theory.

Hard times come no more

Stress and anxiety are endemic in the United States. When we look back in history we do not see this. Why is that? I think our first clue came from the Cold War. Sometime near the end we discovered that our embassy in Moscow was getting really agitated for no discernible reason. Then we discovered that the building was being bombarded with microwaves. This invisible force was causing a definite effect commonly known as “going bananas.” Not to worry. Everyone got better. Once we asked the Russians to stop, everyone felt just fine again, except a few who forgot their names.

All grown up, kind of

I was recently trying to figure out when, exactly, I became a grownup. As I pondered this I pulled on my corduroys and that’s when it hit me. Clothing plays a significant role. There are other signals, but let’s deal with the clothes first.

When I was in grade school my parents were much enamored with the wear and warmth of corduroy. I was duly outfitted with several pair. As I walked through the halls at school you could hear me coming; zwick — zwick — zwick went the pant legs.

Weather or not ...

Back in the olden days, weather forecasting was somewhat problematic. People were pretty good at the long range. They knew winter would bring snow and summer, heat. It was the short game that was the issue.

Sometimes when Gramps went out in a snow storm to check on the livestock the family wouldn’t find his bones until the spring thaw. This is where the attached barn came from. Before that they used to just bring the animals into the house; easy to keep track of and a fine heat source. The smell wasn’t really a factor since bathing was not in fashion yet.

Hockey one, hockey two

Ice hockey never seems to have really caught on as a spectator sport. Fans tell me that you need to be at the game for it to be any fun. I know I have a helluva time trying to follow the puck on television. It really needs to be about five times larger and fluorescent orange to make it visible. I spend most of the time trying to figure out which speeding skater might have that little black dot at the end of his stick. Ow! Not those two. They have each other at the end of their sticks. Now they will have to have a time-out.

Power to the people

The Country Curmudgeon

Here we go again. I guess it’s kind of like when all you can afford is an older used car. Instead of replacing it with a new vehicle, you keep pumping money into the old bus because you can’t come up with the down payment. The cost of upkeep for the old vehicle is as much as a new car payment would be, but you just can’t come up with the front money for new.