The Country Curmudgeon

Soup to cereal to nuts

There is a soup commercial that shows Clay Matthews, NFL linebacker for the Green Bay Packers, eating chunky soup. We are given to believe that this is what’s for supper. These are the guys that eat steak and eggs for breakfast and more than three meals a day. Soup? Really? It doesn’t even fill me up, a mild-mannered newspaper columnist. I need a sandwich to go with it. Actually the sandwich is the meal and the soup is just a hearty beverage, even if it does have chunks. After all, my hot chocolate has chunks of marshmallow and nobody is trying to tell me that’s a complete meal.

Definitely too many cities

As Rain Man would say, “Too many cities, definitely too many cities.” Jim Cantore on The Weather Channel has confirmed it; cities cause global warming. He didn’t actually say this, but you can read between the lines. He was talking about the “heat bubble” around cities that can register as much as a 15 degree heat difference. It is due to the asphalt and concrete and the heat thrown off by various devices, including cars, which are highly concentrated there.

There oughta be a law

I think there oughta be a law that TV commercials have to be either humorous or touching. Failure would invoke severe penalties, like the product being banned from advertising for six months for each offense. Then maybe the ad agencies would try harder and not get away with stuff like that insulting repetition of the same commercial, back-to-back, that is basically saying, “We know you are too dense to get our message on one try so here it is again, stupid.”

Call me a fishing fool

I recently found my old fly rods and reels while rummaging through the attic. If you are not familiar, in fly-casting the weight is in the line, not the lure and there are no sinkers to speak of. If you watch one of these guys you will see the line curling above their heads in a sort of S shape. It looks graceful and controlled.

Selected at random

This is the second time in three years that I have been randomly selected for a census questionnaire. How is that possible? I think I will go around my neighborhood and ask if anybody else has been so honored. 

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Frog in the frying pan

Supposedly, if you place a frog in a cold frying pan and very slowly turn up the heat, it will cook to death without realizing anything is wrong. This sounds ridiculous until you look around.

For whatever reasons, the local school districts always need more money. Some of those reasons are valid. Where does a school district get more money? The town is faced with rising costs every year. How will it ever handle the extra expenses? Our local library has gotten itself into a financial mess. Some of the independent funding for the new building was not forthcoming. Whatever will we do?

The real price

Ah! Something for nothing, the real American dream. You see it all the time. Buy one — get one free, free shipping on all orders over $25, free delivery, no payments and no interest for a year. All you have to do is stop and think it through to realize that whatever it is they are selling, is overpriced.

Unique snowflakes?

If I hear that thing about every snowflake being different, one more time, I will scream. I just don’t believe it. You can’t prove or disprove this because as soon as you pick one up to examine it, it melts. I would argue that there are a finite number of crystalline configurations for water, even if it is 1 million or so. I’d like to see you prove me wrong. Once the snowflake hits the ground it is joined into the ones already landed so it must change, thereby conveniently making comparisons impossible. Let’s see what else we’ve got.

Hairum scarum

I finally found a place that cuts my hair without making me look like I am 10 years old. I admit that I am a bit of a challenge. Unlike movie stars and our legislators, I cannot afford a weekly cut. I don’t believe your hair even grows enough to cut in a week. I think the stylist just snaps scissors over their heads for a few minutes then hits them with a warm towel and says, “That will be $65, please.”

So just buzz off

It snowed the other day and this time it stuck. It was also of a depth sufficient for that endangered species, the snowmobiler. Once abundant in this region, the last 40 years has seen a gradual decline in their numbers. A couple of them roared through my yard one morning, interrupting a nice, lazy sleep-in. Oddly, you cannot protect your domain by stringing wire. Some kind of picky law about mantraps.